Managing Sibling Conflict: Turning Rivalry into Connection

As a parent of two children, I understand how challenging it can be when kids are in conflict. Every relationship has disagreements, and this is especially true between siblings. Sibling rivalry is normal—children may compete, antagonize one another, or argue. While this behavior is part of growing up, as parents, we play a key role in teaching them how to handle conflict in healthy and constructive ways.

One of my favorite resources for parents is Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (also authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk). Their work offers practical, research-backed strategies that empower parents to guide children through rivalry and disagreements. Here are five key principles you can begin using at home to help your kids get along:

1. Encourage Emotional Expression

During a dispute, tune in to your children’s emotions. Acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. Put their underlying needs into words. For example, if your child says, “My sister is mean. She doesn’t want to play with me,” you might respond, “It sounds like your feelings are hurt. You want to spend time with her, and it’s hard when she doesn’t want to play.” By reflecting their feelings, you teach your child emotional awareness and validation—skills that will serve them well beyond sibling relationships.

2. In the Midst of Sibling Conflict and Rivalry: Resist the Urge to Compare

Comparisons between siblings—whether about behavior, personality, or skills—can increase tension and fuel competition. Instead, focus on each child’s progress without measuring them against one another. This approach fosters a sense of individuality and reduces rivalry.

3. Remember That “Equal” Isn’t Always Best

Parents often think equal treatment means fairness. However, Faber and Mazlish encourage us to focus on each child’s individual needs and strengths. This might look like giving one child extra attention when they’re struggling at school or showing another child how they are uniquely loved and valued. When children feel recognized as individuals, they are less likely to compete for attention.

4. Avoid Assigning Roles

It’s easy to fall into the trap of labeling kids—“she’s the baby of the family,” “he’s the funny one,” or “she’s the creative one.” While this may seem harmless, these roles can create pressure, limit identity, and stir resentment among siblings. Instead, encourage your children to explore their unique strengths and interests without confining them to labels.

5. Stay Neutral During Conflicts

When siblings fight, it can be tempting to step in and choose sides. Instead, remain neutral and act as a guide. Encourage each child to express their feelings and needs, then help them brainstorm solutions together. By staying impartial, you communicate that your role is to support—not to solve—sibling rivalry and conflict for them.

Supporting Healthy Family Relationships

Parenting is full of challenges, and sibling rivalry can test even the most patient parents. The good news is that with the right tools, you can help your children build conflict resolution skills, empathy, and stronger relationships with each other.

The Importance of Communication

Effective communication is vital in resolving conflicts. Teach your children how to express their feelings clearly. Encourage them to use "I" statements, such as "I feel upset when..." This approach helps them articulate their emotions without blaming each other.

Modeling Conflict Resolution

Children learn by observing their parents. Demonstrate healthy conflict resolution in your own relationships. Show them how to discuss disagreements calmly and respectfully. This modeling will provide them with a blueprint for handling their own conflicts.

Creating a Safe Space for Discussion

Establish a family environment where everyone feels safe to express their thoughts and feelings. Regular family meetings can be a great way to encourage open dialogue. During these meetings, allow each child to share their feelings and discuss any issues they may be facing.

Encouraging Teamwork

Promote activities that require collaboration between siblings. Working together on a project can help them bond and learn to appreciate each other's strengths. This teamwork can reduce competition and foster a sense of unity.

Recognizing and Celebrating Individual Achievements

Make it a point to celebrate each child's achievements, no matter how small. This recognition helps them feel valued for their unique contributions. When children feel appreciated, they are less likely to engage in rivalry or feel the need to seek attention in ways the create conflict or discord in the family.

At Soma Counseling and Wellness, we help parents and families learn how to handle sibling conflict with practical strategies and support. If you’d like to improve communication in your home or need parenting strategies for conflict, we are here to help.

Contact Soma Counseling and Wellness today to learn how we can support your family’s growth.